Dirty Homonyms

When I see this word : 

I should think about this: 

Instead, I think about this: 

To whom it may concern:

Dear Douchebag,
I like how you say you're not  ready for a relationship, but you would like to stay friends. Why is that funny? Because friends don't just talk when they are drunk and horny. You're supposed to be a nice guy, and I think that nice guy is still in there somewhere, but right now - you are thinking with your dick. Stop being an asshole, because to be perfectly honest, you're not hot enough to pull it off. And you're dingus isn't big enough for me to tolerate it. Personality only goes so far, buddy.

Thanks so fucking much.

Phyllis

This is for God & The Gays

 

Hey Straights, 

Gays are people too. 

Let them get married & STFU. 

There are these things called 'civil rights', they're awesome. 

You should Google them. 

Marriage human right, not a heterosexual privilege. 

If gay marriage threatens your marriage, then you haven't got much of a marriage. 

Stop being assholes. 

 

PMS Can Suck My Dick

I really hate having a vagina sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I'd much rather have a vagina than a smelly piece of string cheese and two hair prunes in between my legs, but having a vagina sucks gorilla ass  sometimes. 

Apparently, women are cursed with periods, because Eve ate the forbidden fruit, or some bullshit like that. You know what I have to say to you, Eve? Fuck you bitch. You couldn't stay away from a single piece of fruit, and now every month I turn into a insane person who cries at Charmin commercials.

A lot of girls, while on their monthly vaginal exsanguination, will cry, be kind of bitchy and take lots of bubble baths to relieve their cramps. I am not like a lot of girls. When I am blessed with that special little bloody gift every month, I turn into a homicidal maniac. I literally want to kill everyone in sight.People get on my nerves for the dumbest shit ever.You used my chapstick? I'm going to end your life. You ate a piece of Vegan Bacon for breakfast? FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID VEGAN RETARD.

I honestly don't even like to drive or go out in public when I'm like this. I don't like to drive because, anyone going anywhere remotely close to or under the speed limit drives me fucking insane. If someone cuts me off, I write down their license plate number and make a mental note to send a dead cat to their house. Going out in public? Forget about it. Anyone I see becomes an instant asshole. If someone looks at me, it makes me want to kill them. Just absolutely rip out their voice-box, and eat their hearts.

Thank the Lord above that I do not carry a concealed handgun, pepper spray , a taser or sharp pencils. If I did, there would be a lot of dead fucking people out there. But in all honesty, I don't think any jury in the world would convict me. I would simply  be ridding the world of stupid fucking people. I'd be like a Bloody Wonder Woman. 

Anyways, this post is all about vaginas and how much I hate everyone today. I apologize for all of that. And if you have a penis and you are reading this, I'm sorry you had to hear about my Vag woes. Also, fuck you for not having a period. Cockbite. 

Some of the weirdest shit I've ever seen on film

I've seen a lot of weird shit in my  day. Brazilian Fart Porn, Porn Bloopers, My parents boning,Two Girls one Cup, Goatse man,Lemonparty.com .... You name it, I've probably seen it.

But these movies..... Are fucking weird. 

 This documentary is about a weird little man with Autism and this other weird She/He retard thing that are obsessed with 80's Mall Tour Sensation, Tiffany. In one scene, the little Autistic guy hooks up his bike helmet to a bunch of wires and crystals so that he can communicate with Tiffany telepathically.

This movie is fucking strange. I can't even tell you why without ruining it. Just watch it. And be prepared to feel awkward.

This movie is weird, but also  amazing. If I could have teeth in my vagina, I'd be the happiest bitch ever. Guy says something stupid ? Bite his dick off !



!!!UPDATE!!!

Part 1

Part 2

Uhm.... WHAT the FUCK?!?!

The best thing to ever happen to anyone, ever.

Fat People

Okay, so first of all let me say that as a fellow fatty, I have the  god-given right to make fun of other fatties without being labeled and  asshole. If you are not a fatty,and you make fun of an overweight person, you are a dick head. It's kind of like  black people and the "N" word. Just a heads up. With that little PSA out of the way.. 

Today as I was sitting in  my  English class (which is taught by the cutest little old lady to ever  walk the planet) and I looked out the window. Our school has a track around it,for the running  classes and the assholes who want to exercise on a daily basis. So, I'm watching these kids run, the  black people at the front of the group (obviously), then the physically fit white people and mexicans, and  then  the smokers and  pot-heads. I'm thinking toy myself that I could never be in a class like that. I would be  to ashamed at the fact that the farthest I can  run is to the nearest Ice Cream Parlor. Then, I saw her. A big ol' bitch, in sweat pants, walking WAY behind the rest of her class while munching on some fucking food. 

Okay, BITCH. Let's start with this little nugget of enlightenment. Anyone who is 'running' and  eating  at the  same time is completely rendering the exercise useless. I know your big ass wasn't eating a protein bar, unless your idea of a protein bar is a Heath bar. Secondly, wipe that pissed off look off of your fat little  face. This is COLLEGE. You pick your own classes and you make  your own  god damned schedule. No one  forced your tubby self to  sign  up for Competitive Sprinting 1201. You could of  taken the  fatty way out and  fulfilled that Kinesiology credit online, like I did. This shit just pisses me off. If this girl was genuinely trying to loose weight and  better herself, that's cool. Go girl. Get on  with your fat, bad self. But, she has made it obvious to not only  me, but also her teacher  and  classmates, that  those are not her intentions. I don't know if anyone told you that part of loosing  weight involves cutting out  candy and actually putting  an effort into  your daily  exercise routine, but no one  should of  had to. That is COMMON fucking knowledge. And I am  also entitled to say this part because I lost 125 lbs, and you didn't, so kiss my dimply  fucking ass. 

Another thing that very much bothers me, is when  FAT ASS BITCHES have hot boyfriends. Actually, they don't even have to  be  hot. Even just remotely attractive. This bothers me. Because I, am  no longer obese, and I personally think I kind of have it going on....Just sayin'. So why the FUCK am I single and Two Ton Tina over here has  a mildly  attractive boyfriend? I know big girls need love too, but if your big ass has someone  who I consider too good looking for you, then I hate you. So, if you're reading this, and your a big bitch with a cutie boyfriend, then I fucking hate you. And don't sit there wondering if I am  in fact talking about you,you know who you are. Asshole. 

Also, another thing that pisses me off- when fat people try to tell you that you are fat. This only  applies if the person telling you that you are fat, is bigger than you. Fuck you fatty. Go throw up that Chicken Fried Philly Cheesesteak and then  tell me  to loose weight. You fucking douchebag. 

How to kill a whore in 10 minutes

 

Wow. Just Wow. I'm almost afraid to masturbate tonight.... Shit, who am I kidding? I'm still going to. Maybe twice....

Prmordial Poll : Results

Apparently, Primordial Dwarfs would be a wonderful addition to any strip club. You people make me SICK. Clearly, these animals are for loving. They need to be litter box & kennel trained. You need to have them groomed bi-weekly, and put bows in their hair. They need to  be spade and neutered, just like any other household pet. And also, you can make a KILLING taking these little babies out into public & charging a fee for petting, holding, pictures or autographs from their tiny little mutant  hands. 

You can dress them up in clothes (available at Petco). They need to be walked (on a leash, of course) and taken to primordial parks for some good old fashioned primordial playtime. To think that you would exploit these precious little furrballs in a strip club, instead of loving them like the little babies that they are, is disgusting. I hate you guys. Assholes. 

I will post a new blog-poll soon that will only allow you guys to answer in a non-disgusting way. Dickheads.

VRC = Awesomeness

I was instructed to write a blog about how awesome  my friend 'Dren' is. So Dren, here is your shoutout. 

OMG eye juz LuV my frnd! ShEs sO aWeSoMe. 

iF yOu HaVe A pEnIs, u ShOoD sTiCk iT iN hEr PiCaChU!!!!

Love you, bitch.

Ugly as Sin.

Aside from childbirth, your least favorite aunts funeral and finding out you've gotten rid of that nasty case of Crabs;Your wedding day is supposed to be  one of the happiest days of your life.

So it is a mystery to me why some people choose to wear some of the ugliest shit to ever see daylight on their wedding days. These are a few of my (least)favorites. 

Here Comes (The Ugliest) Bride (Ever):

Anyone who chooses to wear this should be hung up by their toenails and whipped to death. 

I'm all about the vintage look, but this is disgusting. 

Words cannot even describe this... 

Was your last wish  before committing suicide to get married ? You fucking freak. 

 

This is what the Marshmallow Man from Ghostbuster's Fiancee would wear at their weeding. 

This was supposed to be inspired from "The Corpse Bride". Which is fitting because, the only way you could my ass to wear this dress, is if I was dead. 

Oh Hey, Wanna get married at Ren Fest ? Yes? Oh okay. Cool. I'm an idiot. 

Now, this one pisses me off a whole lot. Because it was inspired by Marie Antoinette, whom I am obsessed with. This looks more like a rejected costume from the Drag Show version of Moulan Rouge. Fuck this dress and the lady that made it. 

Marketed as a "Beach Wedding Dress". Also, it's handy if you're camping and run out of toilet paper. Softer than Charmin  and it won't leave TP behind in your asshole !

For fucksake. Get a life. You are not a fairy, and that Tutu is hideous. And those things in your hair ? You look like your a cast member from Allegra's Window. 

I loved this show. When I was 7. Grow up you stupid bitch. 

You know what would  be a GREAT finishing touch for your tacky wedding dress? Fake white roses. With hot glue dew drops. And, it just so happens, that Wal-Mart had a sale last month. I've been looking for some way to use these ! 

Didn't loose all the weight you wanted to before the nuptials? No biggie. This disgusting piece of shit will cover your giant ass. You can also store midgets under there for the  reception skit you've been planning. 

I don't think any explanation is needed for this one. 

Hey, Elizabeth Smart, when your done passing out Bibles and  eating the scrapes I left you in the Dungeon, put this stupid ass dress on. I'm going to make you my second wife and  have you bear my Army for Jesus. Halla-Fucking-Lu-Ya! 

If you wear this on your wedding say, you're just asking for people to throw rancid meat at you on your way down the aisle. 

FUCK. YOU. 

This is  the single most retarded thing I have ever  seen anyone in their entire life wear. You are an idiot  and  anyone that would want to marry you is bat shit crazy. I hope you are mistaken for an alien and the CIA snipers you in the left temple. Asshole. 

I couldn't afford a wedding dress, so I took one of those disgusting afghans my Great Aunt Vesper made me, and turned it into an equally vile wedding gown. Yay for creativity !

Muppets do Marriage ! 

This was also marketed as a "Beach Wedding Dress". So, if you're a fucking HOOKER and you decide to put the old Ball N' Chain on  your best tipping John, here's the dress for you. Also, guests (most likely other hookers and your Heroin dealer) will be able to see your cervix in this dress, but since you've shown it to most of Downtown Houston, it's no biggie. Enjoy that honeymoon to Crystal Beach, whore. 

I just.... I just don't get it. 

It looks like someone drank a bunch of grape juice and then vomited on the bride because this dress was already so ugly. The color just makes her skin 'pop', like her cherry will later tonight. 

And last, but certainly NOT least, my personal favorite Wedding Dress Catastrophe : 

Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. Here. 

OMG. WTF. LAWLZ. RAWR. 

This dress is  made of latex. She is wearing a big, huge, black CONDOM on her wedding day. With purple and black plaid for a nice accent. Fuck you, and the  planet you came from. Is no one else grossed out that this person is going to smell like a fucking condom on her wedding day? I know from personal experience, that smell doesn't go away quick. And, can you imagine how HOT that things going to be ? I pray to GOD this isn't for a summer  wedding. When she gets out of that thing, she going to look like a big, dumbass, Gothic prune. And she's going to smell like Smegma and weed. 

Holy shit, this is so terrible.

Well, Fuck.

So, let's talk about this Taylor Swift song "Back to December". This song makes me want to kill myself. I will admit, I love T Swift. I know, I know. I'm gay. But, I do. I love her. All of her songs are about breaking up, or being in love, or being broken up with, or loosing you Virginity to John Mayer. All things I can relate too, seeing that I imagined the person I lost my v-card too, was John Mayer. I digress. This song makes me want to Sylvia Plath the deal and stick my head in a fucking oven. It's seriously depressing. And I relate too it. I know that 's so fucking lame, but I don't care. I do. Jesus, I hate this song. But I cannot stop listening to it. Let's just leave it at this : Realizing that you hurt someone that you loved, and still love, is a terrible fucking feeling. And I slightly hate myself every time I listen to this song. Fuck. My. Life. 

With that said......

Artists that I cannot fucking stand

1. Korn- If you have to ask me why, you're an idiot. These guys make shitty music and they're weird as fuck. And not in that "OMG they are SO eclectic!" No. It's more like "OMG, if these guys come to our house, hide the cat because I think they might sacrifice it to the Devil." Fuck these guys, Fuck their music, Fuck their fans. FUCK. 
2. Tim McGraw- Dear Tim, You are an old, fat, bald man. Your music is comparable to taking a drill to my eardrums. I don't care if you like it, you love it , or if you want some more of it. For Christ's sake, please shut the fuck up. Thanks. 
3. The Black Eyes Peas- These guys are annoying as anything in the while entire world. There music is not good, they are gross looking & Will.I.Am, is a gaybashing asshat.
4. Fergie- First and mother fucking foremost-Your name is stupid. Also,You look like you're 85. Your hair is ugly (and thinning) and the only song I like of yours in Glamorous. Other than that, I hate you. If I were your husband, I'd cheat on your ass too. 
5. Kanye West- This guy is a fuckstick. He may make some okay music, but he is undeniably, a giant pimple on the ass of humanity. 
6. Will Smith- See post #2 
7. Willow Smith- See Post #2 
8. Bright Eyes- You suck. Stop being so god damned emo.Stupid Hipster asshole. 
9. Anything where the artist is screaming at me. I do not need, nor do I desire, to be screamed at. You need to calm down. You need to relax, and most of all- you need Jesus. Amen, bitches. 

I could go on, but to be honest - I have exactly 1 hour and ten minutes before I have to leave for my next class- and I want to take a fucking nap. 

Big Foot

Well, shit. There goes my camping trip.

Ugly Wallpaper

I've decided that I'm not going to catch up on my missing posts. Why? Because I do whatever the hell I please and also because I don't have time to sit around and do that shit. I have a life, unlike you who has time to sit around and read this crap. Just kidding. You rock. Keep reading.

Black person of the day!

Rose. 

For those of you that do not know her, meet Rose. The single most amazing thing to ever happen to me. I realize that Rose is not a full on Blackie. She has some caramel and white chocolate on her. If you're gonna step to me and  tell me Rose isn't a person, I'm gonna kick you in the Clitoris with a steel toed boot. Fuck you. She is more of a person than you are. She has feelings, she has a doggie-soul. And she farts like an old grandma. A lot. And, a lot of times when she does it, it scares her. Once she let out a fart so big, it woke both of us up, and she stayed under the bed for three days. It was adorable. 

Yes, I realize that writing a blog post about how awesome my dog is may make me look crazy too you. You know what I think? I think you're fucking jealous. So in the words of Justin Long "Shut your mouth before I fuck it."

So todays topic? Awkward shopping lists. 

We've all seen them. Some of us may have had some ourselves. You go to the grocery store, buy your pound of bacon and your bottle of Alli. You get in line behind someone, and then... you look down... at the conveyor belt..............There it is. The intensely awkward compilation of products.

Some very awkward shopping: 

1.  Middle aged man buying 'Depends'. Don't try and pretend it's for someone else. It's for you. You shit your pants. We get it.
2. Any girl buying the 'Plan B' pill. There doesn't have to be anything else bought. I know from personal experience that it's awkward as shit to buy it. I also know that it is the cheapest at Kroger. 
3. Pregnancy test, a box of cookies, chocolate ice cream, Triscuits and bean dip. Bitch....If you're eating all that together- you might as well put the pregnancy test back. That is some weird shit, and anyone who eats that should know their ass is knocked up.
4. Not one, but two, Kid rock CDs.
5. Pregnancy tests, condoms, lube, tampons & batteries. I don't know what else to say other than this was my own. Guilty. You caught me. Sue me. And yes, the batteries were for my vibrator. 
6. An old lady I saw in Wal-Mart a few days ago buying Gas-X, Pepto Bismol, Immodium & Prepration H. Are you HAVING some problems with your asshole? 
7. Feminine douches, feminine wipes, feminine spray. Uhm......I'm just gonna say it. You're vagina smells. Gross. 
8. Anyone buying condoms for the first time.
9. Condoms, Tampons, Cheeto's , Cigarettes, and a Monster. Also, my own. At a Valero. And yes, I did yell at the guy from across the store "Were the  hell do I find Tampons and Condoms?!?!?!"
10. A Plunger, Pepto Bismol, Plastic gloves, a drop cloth, Lysol and 409. This person also had a miserable look on their face.

These are just MY personal favorites. If you have any of your own, please comment. This is one of my guilty pleasures. I eye fuck the shit out of other people purchases just incase there is something good. People are weird as shit. But, if you've read #5 & #9, you know that I have no room to talk. 

Bitchfuck has lost his god damned mind.

So this post is mostly going to  be  me catching up on the 2011 Blackie Awards. Because, I have been slacking. And  because black people are fucking awesome. Word.

Monday :

Black Person of the day!

Martin Luther King Jr. 

If you're wondering why I chose MLK for the Blackie Awards, then you are a fucking idiot. He pioneered the Civil Rights movement..... or some shit like that. And, I'm not gonna lie. I think he's fucking sexy. Also, Monday was his birthday. HOLLLAAAA. But, for real, this man was an amazing person. He did a lot for our world, and he is the reason I can sit next to my half black best friend and her big black Daddy at dinner and not get shot. So basically, he made the world a much better place.

My apologies, readers.

I have been  slacking lately on  this thing. I've been  neglecting my blog baby. And I've not  been  able to further entertain you guys. So, I apologize. I'm sitting in the library at school right now, so I'm not going to post more "Black person of the day" awards right  now, because I live in San Antonio and am practically the only white person enrolled in my school. So, in order to not get my ass beat, I'll be  doing that later.

Just wanted to share with you guys a little tid-bit of goodness and awkwardness that I encountered today. Picture yourself in a campus bookstore, waiting patiently to pay for some stupid ass manual that your douchebag teacher didn't tell you was required until the day before the first assignment was due. Are you picturing it? Okay, cool.

So, Im standing in this line today, next to a girl in the single most hated outfit of all time. A sweatshirt from wal-mart that has some cats on it or some stupid shit, Mom jeans that  are fastened WAY to tightly under her tits, and nasty, skanky, stained Reebok sneakers. Her hair is ALL OVER the place, and she has what I can only  describe as a Moon like crater on her face. So basically, she's like everyone I went to high school with that was enrolled in band. SO, we're standing there and she starts talking to me about the bookstore. How  there should be more registers and less bookshelves (Uhm, it's a fucking BOOKstore, not a register store, you moron). She makes small talk as we ease our way through the line, and  then....we reach the calculators. I see her little eyes light up at the sight of these things, and then...I notice it. Her GIANT calculator carrying case, complete with a sticker of a Kitten with some Bible Verse on it. There are two things wrong with this scenario, WHO THE FUCK CARRIES THEIR CALCULATOR IN A CARRYING CASE?!? It's calculator, not  a fucking iPad. And the second ? The kitten  with the Bible Verse. I'm down with kittens, and  bible  verses. Do your thing, it's whatever. But, when you combine the two ? No. You're dumb. I'm pretty sure Jesus didn't have a Tabby kitten, and if he did, I'm sure the verse on the sticker  has nothing to do with cats. I hate you.

So she starts talking to me about  calculators, and  the whole time shes talking to me, she  refuses to make  eye contact. That shit pisses me off to no end. If you're going to rape  my eardrums  with your stupid, boring and pointless conversation, then the least you can do is look me in the fucking eyes.Stop staring at the carpet like a dumbass, unless the carpet is who you are speaking to, which I wouldn't put past your strange little ass. Anyways, so  after her speech  about how  awesome  calculators are and  how  she can't wait until she  saves up enough money from her plastic keychain company to buy the TI-9000, or whatever the fuck it was.

THEN, we come to the pencil and  pen kiosk. Oh dear holy Jesus, you should of seen her face. They had this one pencil that  was made specifically for  test taking, because the lead was square so it matched perfectly to  the little 'bubbles' on the scantron. She almost shit her pants. She went on and on and on about what a great idea it  was, all while explaining to me how the pencil worked, like I was a fucking idiot who couldn't figure out how to work a god damned pencil. Bitch.

If you guys are wondering  if this story gets any better, don't worry- it does.

FINALLY, we are standing  at  the front of the line. I am trying to look busy on my phone, perhaps drafting an e-mail to the President about Foreign relations or something retarded like that. I glance up at her, to see if she's picking her nose or something disgusting like that, and she's staring at me. Fuck. She saw me look at her. FUCK, She's going to talk to me now. I made eye contact. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Then  I hear it, the single most POINTLESS thing I think I have ever heard in my entire fucking life. "Yeah... I'm like WAY ahead of the game. I've already got a planner and everything. It's so cool. My cousin sent it to me, see? It's from the New York Public Library. It's so awesome. And, like I said, I'm way ahead of the game. I bet no one else has a planner yet."

NO ONE ELSE HAS A PLANNER YET? Are you fucking kidding me ? You know what, you're totally right. You are the FIRST PERSON in the history of the entire fucking world to have a planner. God, you are a GENIUS and a TRENDSETTER. Why are you at community college? You should be in Harvard or Yale or MIT or something like that. GOD, you are SO smart. SO awesome. I'm honored to just  stand in your fucking presence. I don't care that you smell like cat piss, and probably lost your virginity to a Tuba. YOU. ARE.AWESOME.


I've some  to  find that  there are a lot of  strange people at this school. In my first class of the day, this  girl comes and sits in front of me. First of all, her haircut was fucking stupid. I wanted to tell her that. Also, she  had the clip-in color extensions ( in hot pink and turquoise because she's so punkxcore) which are fucking stupid. Stop being a pussy and  just dye your fucking hair. Dumbass. She's wearing a god damned Twilight shirt,which made me want to slap her  with a Seabass or some other form of fish. her vagina probably would of worked, since she most likely puts out for any guy that looks like Edward Cullen or claims to drink blood. She had rings on every single finger of her skanky little hands. One of which, looked like a fucking Chinese finger trap or some shit. I don't even think she could bend her finger in the damn thing. It was more like a metal cast for her finger that had a stupid ass Dragon or something like that engraved on it.

AS I was staring  at the  back of her head, thinking of  all the ways I would like to kill her, someone  caught my eye. This guy walks into class......With a GIANT, nasty Mexi-fro. He's wearing the skinniest skinny jeans I have ever seen, and  from the looks of it he  had to have an inverted penis because I didn't see anything  that  even  remotely resembled a cock bump in those pants. He's wearing a purple bandanna around his neck, like he was a Hollywood Undead member for Halloween, and he just forgot to take it off. He's got like 24 belts on, all of which have some sort of stud or chain hanging from them. He's wearing a shirt from Hot Topic that screams "Im dark and different, even though I bought this fucking shirt at Hot Topic along with 80,000 other people) His hoodie has some  stupid ass nu-metal band on it, and it looks like he paid someone to shit on it so it would look 'cool'. THEN I look at his face. His stupid fucking face. Homeboy has one regular shit-colored eye, like every Brownie in the world. And then.... he has a white, cat- eyes contact in the other.

I have never wanted to shove a pineapple up someones ass so much in my entire life. I'm going to try and get a picture of this kid so I can show you guys. Maybe I'll tell him I'm a talent  scout for the Hot Topic Modeling company and we'd really like someone  as edgy as him to model our Fall 2011 collection.

After I eye fucked this guy to death and then decided he was an idiot, I remembered the Twilight whore in front of me. I looked at her, and  she was looking at him. Actually, she was undressing him and  sucking  his invisible cock with her eyes. I didn't think that it was ever possible to SEE someone  fall in love, but today, I did. I could almost hear her cream her Invader Zim panties. In all honesty, I kind of want to hook them up. I am slightly tempted to help them both out. The world is full of some freaky ass people, and I feel like they need to stick to breeding within their selective groups. We don't need them  mating with normal folks and messing up our gene pools.

Later, the teacher asked us if we considered Tattooing and art. I said that I did. She asked if I had any  tattoos, and I told her that , yes, I have seven. Twilight Whore's head whipped around so fast I thought she was re-inacting the scene from The Exorcist. She was like "Oh my god! that's so cool ! I want to get a ( I can't remember  exactly what she said, so I'll just quote her as saying 'retarded') 'retarded' tattoo on my back. I think it was probably something along the lines of gothic angel wings, which would make sense, seeing that I remember it being something retarded.



I'm all for individuality. I'm all about expressing yourself. But, when people are trying so hard to be 'different' that they look like every other stupid mother fucker out there, shit gets on my nerves. This girl probably has so many punches in her Hot Topic frequent shoppers card that she could buy the whole fucking store and pay $.32.... I don't know her, but I can already tell you this- I fucking hate her.


Sorry about this rant, but I had to tell someone.

The Little Man in the Boat ... A mystery

We need to talk. 

I'm going to guesstimate that 99.9-100% of my readers have a Vagina, if there are any guy readers out there then please, feel free to put your 2 cents in. But, for the most part, this question will probably be answered (if answered at all) by women. 

This is something that has always been a mystery to me ever since the first time I heard it. I don't understand, so maybe someone else can explain. 

What the FUCK is up with this "Little Man in the Boat" shit ?!

For those of you who have no clue what I'm talking about, there's some slang term out there were people refer to a Womans Clitoris as "The little man in the boat" I do not understand. Obviously, I don't sit around with a mirror in between my legs, staring at my Coslopus for hours trying to find this mystery man.I do, however, have a mirror down there when plucking my asshole hairs.However, I've seen enough diagrams and  have a general idea of what  my baby bean looks like, and I fail to see any resemblance to a little man in a boat. I fail to see a man. The only time I've ever seen anything close to a little man  in my Vagina was during sex with an unfortunately-endowed guy I met at Thirsty Thursday Tranny night at the bar. So, please.... if anyone gets this, maybe you  can submit a drawing or diagram? No real pictures please, because there's no way for to tell if I'm looking into the Black Hole that is your skanky  Vag, and I don't want that picture stuck in my head for the rest of my life. 

I just don't see it...

Also, just a little word of advice. 

I apologize, Your Holiness. 

Anyways, stay tuned through this commercial break. We'll be back with The Black Person of the Day after these messages from our sponsers.

Just making sure.

Just incase anyone was wondering, it it 3:58 am and I am already hungover. That should tell you two things.

1) I am a fucking Granny that goes home way to early
2) I had a large fucking time


Jesus Lord I haven't felt this bad since I woke up pantless on that gingers bed. This was also the time I had to walk-of-shame across the breezeway of my friends apartment holding my underwear in my hands like I was about to receive the Eucharist. Fuck me.

Oh well, it was all in good fun AND I won 2 games of beer pong , possibly 3. I can't really remember. But this is a new personal best for me, because I usually suck cat asshole at Beer Pong. Also, the cops were called so you KNOW it was a good night.


Peace out & Happy Drinking.



FUCK I FEEL LIKE SHIT.

Jobs & Jimi

No, I am not referring to hand jobs. This isn't 8th grade and no one is in a fucking movie theatre. I'm updating the blog today, with tomorrow's "Blackie of the day", BECAUSE I got a job. A REAL LIVE LEGAL JOB. With checks and W2's. I am so fucking excited I almost pooped in my leggings. I start training Tuesday, and  hopefully will have the first paycheck I've had in 3 years soon. WHATCHYEW KNOW BOUT ME?!? So, obviously, I am celebrating tonight in the classiest way I know how- by getting completely fucking wasted and probably  vomiting on  someones carpet, and I will probably  be WAY to hungover tomorrow to even want to think about blogging, black people, or any of you assholes.Word. Also, I am returning to the motherland this weekend to go pick out wedding dresses for my friend, and probably weep into my Mimosa because I'm still stingle. So, if the posts are few and  far between, have no fear, I will return to blogging Monday & promsie to make up for any missed posts. I also, may award more than one Blackie, if I want too. Double Word.

*Also, if any of you loyal readers are in the 'motherland' area this weekend HOLLA ATCHYO GIRL. If you don't know what the Motherland is, you're a fucking retard. And I refuse to enlighten you on here, as to remain as anonymous as possible. Kthanksbai.

Black Person of the Day!

Jimi Hendrix !

This was one  cool as mother fucker. I mean , honestly, look at that badass headband and tell me he's not cool. Not only has he inspired hipster fucks all over the world to rock a headband, but anyone  that can wear a shirt that looks like it has cat vomit on it, and still be cool, is alright in my book. He played Woodstock, banged Janis Joplin, sang a song about 'Purple Haze',made some great fucking music, smoke a whole lot of ganja & died from overdosing on sleeping meds and subsequently choking on his own vomit, which was mostly red wine. It doesn't get much more 'Rockstar' than that right there. You can't really listen to rock music, or smoke weed, without appreciated the genius that was and is, Mr. Hendrix. He took the National Anthem, which is probably the most boring song ever, and  just completely rocked the fuck out of it. Anyone  who can make  America trendy, is brilliant. Because, let's be honest- we're kind of lame. NOBAMA, FTW!*

*JK I <3 Black people. And he's smoking hot. I bet he's hung like a Moose....er'...maybe a Water Buffalo is more fitting, seeing that he's black ? IDK.

DING DING DING ! WE HAVE A WINNER!

Like I said before, If any of you suggest a "Blackie Award Winner" IN THE COMMENT BOX OF THE BLOG, and I decide to use your suggestion you win a prize. Seeing  that I know everyone reading this stupid thing, the prize will be  something I think you'd enjoy, like a picture of  my cooter, to hang above your bed or couch. With all of that said - Today's Black Person of the Day, was suggested by my most loyal reader & MAIN BITCH, Brigett Abramski. So, nigga, you gown' get a prize. Sup ?

As soon as the prize is picked, I will let you know. And when/if you get your prizes, I ask that you send a picture of you with it. Not just  because I want to post pictures, but because what I pick will probably  be  really fucking tacky  and vulgar and I want to see you actually touch the dirty thing.

Anyways, going to binge drink and  hopefully get alcohol posioning now.

Peace out, mother fuckers.

Can't sleep.

*Reminder: If you haven't yet voted in this month's poll about mini-people, please do so now. Your votes are important and I want your voice to be heard. I also just want to make sure I'm not the only  freak that thinks these baby humans are adorable. 
* PS- I'm still pissed at the bitch that wouldn't let me pet the one we saw in Target. You know, the one with the club hand? It was a double whammy! And all I wanted to do  was pet it, and take a picture. That's like refusing to let someone pet a Unicorn. When you see what you presumed was a mythical, dreamlike creature, YOU TAKE A FUCKING PICTURE.And you said it was unethical. You know who you are. Slut.


I know it appears as if I've posted 2 Blackie awards in one day. But, check your fucking time stamps people. It's technically the next day. And, this is  my  blog so I'll do whatever the hell I please. 

Today's Blackie Award (at least the first one, because, like I said, this is my fucking blog and I'll do what I want. If I want to give out 17 Blackie's today,who the FUCK are you to stop me. YOU DON'T KNOW ME) is going  to someone  very near and dear to my heart. This person is not  only the father of Reggae music, but also an inspiration to stoners young and old alike. 

Black Person Of The Day!

Bob Mother-Fucking Marley. 

I have always  been a fan of Bob's. Long before I took my first bong hit, I can remember my Mom playing 'Bob Marley and The Wailers' greatest hits compilation from Target. I liked him before it was cool to like him, so technically, I am better & cooler than you. I will say one  thing, I think that Mr. Marley's work has been really exploited, overplayed and pretty much ass-fucked in every which way possible here lately. So many people try to mix his shit with chopped &screwed annoying-ness, that it looses it's raw 'goodness'. So Z-ro, please stay the FUCK away from this good music. 

Anyways, another reason that I like Mr. Marley so much is, obviously, that he likes weed so much. We  share this love for the magical herb. And Mom, I know you're reading this. Don't get pissed and bitch me out. It's time we cut the bullshit. I smoke pot and you know it. And this blog is anonymous so none of your friends will know it's me. And, if you tell me  you never ripped on a bong back in the day, I'm gonna call you a fucking liar.And besides, if you really didn't want me  to ever try weed, you shouldn't of let me  listen to Bob Marley at the tender age of 8,because any water-head could tell you that they go hand in hand. Back to the topic at hand, WEED. Well, technically Bob, but you get the picture. I have been high a lot in my life. (Shout out to  a very  special Lez-bot for smoking me out  in our friends back yard Freshman year of High School. HOLLER) and it seems like everytime I am stoned out of my mind I think to myself "Self, you should listen to some Bob Marley right now." And I do, because you always have to follow your heart. Another good thing my mother passed down to me.

Now back to your regularly scheduled program. 

I realize that a lot of you, after reading previous comments, might think that I do not like my mother. On the contrary. This woman is the tits. Anyone who has had the pleasure of meeting her hot ass can tell you that she's probably the coolest bitch around. Yes, she's moody sometimes. Yes, sometimes I do want to strangle her with a crusty thong. Do we fight? Of course we do. There have been times where I swore I was acting out an extra bad episode of Jerry Springer with her crazy  ass. But, at the end of the  day, she's my best friend. The linguine to my alfredo sauce, the melody to my music, and, perhaps more fitting  for todays post, the kief catcher to my grinder.This woman puts up with a lot of bullshit from me. She has listened to my in-detail descriptions of my sex life. I have told her things that I know she didn't want to hear, specifically, how I lost my butthole virginity. Speaking of buttholes, I cannot  COUNT the number of times she has patiently listened to  be  describe my latest poop, or listened to me cry about my butthole bleeding after apparently eating glass (or really sharp corn). She listens to me cry over the most STUPID SHIT that anyone has ever cried about. She always answers when I call her 17 times a day,unless she's on vacation, WHICH REALLY PISSES ME OFF, PUTA. Also, she pushed me out of her vagina without any drugs whatsoever. I think we can all agree that , in its self, deserves a whole lot of fucking recognition. She's toted my ass to doctors, seminars, hospitals, psych wards (not really), and never once complained. She's put up with every crazy fucking situation I've gotten myself in to. And when I stopped going to school one semester, she didn't tell my Dad. Probably because she knew if he found out he would literally strangle me with his giant ogre hands. She was protecting  herself  from losing a child, and being married to a convicted murderer. But, that's not the fucking point. In conclusion, I love my Mom a whole fucking lot. She deserves a crown or some shit for putting up with my crazy ass. So Mom, if you're reading this, which you better fucking be because I told you to, I love you. Thanks for all the shit you've done & allowing me to drink way before I was 21. Also, thanks for that one time you bought  me cigarettes when I was like 16. I was jonesin' like a crack head at the Vatican, and I really appreciate it.