Ugly Wallpaper

I've decided that I'm not going to catch up on my missing posts. Why? Because I do whatever the hell I please and also because I don't have time to sit around and do that shit. I have a life, unlike you who has time to sit around and read this crap. Just kidding. You rock. Keep reading.

Black person of the day!

Rose. 

For those of you that do not know her, meet Rose. The single most amazing thing to ever happen to me. I realize that Rose is not a full on Blackie. She has some caramel and white chocolate on her. If you're gonna step to me and  tell me Rose isn't a person, I'm gonna kick you in the Clitoris with a steel toed boot. Fuck you. She is more of a person than you are. She has feelings, she has a doggie-soul. And she farts like an old grandma. A lot. And, a lot of times when she does it, it scares her. Once she let out a fart so big, it woke both of us up, and she stayed under the bed for three days. It was adorable. 

Yes, I realize that writing a blog post about how awesome my dog is may make me look crazy too you. You know what I think? I think you're fucking jealous. So in the words of Justin Long "Shut your mouth before I fuck it."

So todays topic? Awkward shopping lists. 

We've all seen them. Some of us may have had some ourselves. You go to the grocery store, buy your pound of bacon and your bottle of Alli. You get in line behind someone, and then... you look down... at the conveyor belt..............There it is. The intensely awkward compilation of products.

Some very awkward shopping: 

1.  Middle aged man buying 'Depends'. Don't try and pretend it's for someone else. It's for you. You shit your pants. We get it.
2. Any girl buying the 'Plan B' pill. There doesn't have to be anything else bought. I know from personal experience that it's awkward as shit to buy it. I also know that it is the cheapest at Kroger. 
3. Pregnancy test, a box of cookies, chocolate ice cream, Triscuits and bean dip. Bitch....If you're eating all that together- you might as well put the pregnancy test back. That is some weird shit, and anyone who eats that should know their ass is knocked up.
4. Not one, but two, Kid rock CDs.
5. Pregnancy tests, condoms, lube, tampons & batteries. I don't know what else to say other than this was my own. Guilty. You caught me. Sue me. And yes, the batteries were for my vibrator. 
6. An old lady I saw in Wal-Mart a few days ago buying Gas-X, Pepto Bismol, Immodium & Prepration H. Are you HAVING some problems with your asshole? 
7. Feminine douches, feminine wipes, feminine spray. Uhm......I'm just gonna say it. You're vagina smells. Gross. 
8. Anyone buying condoms for the first time.
9. Condoms, Tampons, Cheeto's , Cigarettes, and a Monster. Also, my own. At a Valero. And yes, I did yell at the guy from across the store "Were the  hell do I find Tampons and Condoms?!?!?!"
10. A Plunger, Pepto Bismol, Plastic gloves, a drop cloth, Lysol and 409. This person also had a miserable look on their face.

These are just MY personal favorites. If you have any of your own, please comment. This is one of my guilty pleasures. I eye fuck the shit out of other people purchases just incase there is something good. People are weird as shit. But, if you've read #5 & #9, you know that I have no room to talk.