I have been slacking lately on this thing. I've been neglecting my blog baby. And I've not been able to further entertain you guys. So, I apologize. I'm sitting in the library at school right now, so I'm not going to post more "Black person of the day" awards right now, because I live in San Antonio and am practically the only white person enrolled in my school. So, in order to not get my ass beat, I'll be doing that later.
Just wanted to share with you guys a little tid-bit of goodness and awkwardness that I encountered today. Picture yourself in a campus bookstore, waiting patiently to pay for some stupid ass manual that your douchebag teacher didn't tell you was required until the day before the first assignment was due. Are you picturing it? Okay, cool.
So, Im standing in this line today, next to a girl in the single most hated outfit of all time. A sweatshirt from wal-mart that has some cats on it or some stupid shit, Mom jeans that are fastened WAY to tightly under her tits, and nasty, skanky, stained Reebok sneakers. Her hair is ALL OVER the place, and she has what I can only describe as a Moon like crater on her face. So basically, she's like everyone I went to high school with that was enrolled in band. SO, we're standing there and she starts talking to me about the bookstore. How there should be more registers and less bookshelves (Uhm, it's a fucking BOOKstore, not a register store, you moron). She makes small talk as we ease our way through the line, and then....we reach the calculators. I see her little eyes light up at the sight of these things, and then...I notice it. Her GIANT calculator carrying case, complete with a sticker of a Kitten with some Bible Verse on it. There are two things wrong with this scenario, WHO THE FUCK CARRIES THEIR CALCULATOR IN A CARRYING CASE?!? It's calculator, not a fucking iPad. And the second ? The kitten with the Bible Verse. I'm down with kittens, and bible verses. Do your thing, it's whatever. But, when you combine the two ? No. You're dumb. I'm pretty sure Jesus didn't have a Tabby kitten, and if he did, I'm sure the verse on the sticker has nothing to do with cats. I hate you.
So she starts talking to me about calculators, and the whole time shes talking to me, she refuses to make eye contact. That shit pisses me off to no end. If you're going to rape my eardrums with your stupid, boring and pointless conversation, then the least you can do is look me in the fucking eyes.Stop staring at the carpet like a dumbass, unless the carpet is who you are speaking to, which I wouldn't put past your strange little ass. Anyways, so after her speech about how awesome calculators are and how she can't wait until she saves up enough money from her plastic keychain company to buy the TI-9000, or whatever the fuck it was.
THEN, we come to the pencil and pen kiosk. Oh dear holy Jesus, you should of seen her face. They had this one pencil that was made specifically for test taking, because the lead was square so it matched perfectly to the little 'bubbles' on the scantron. She almost shit her pants. She went on and on and on about what a great idea it was, all while explaining to me how the pencil worked, like I was a fucking idiot who couldn't figure out how to work a god damned pencil. Bitch.
If you guys are wondering if this story gets any better, don't worry- it does.
FINALLY, we are standing at the front of the line. I am trying to look busy on my phone, perhaps drafting an e-mail to the President about Foreign relations or something retarded like that. I glance up at her, to see if she's picking her nose or something disgusting like that, and she's staring at me. Fuck. She saw me look at her. FUCK, She's going to talk to me now. I made eye contact. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Then I hear it, the single most POINTLESS thing I think I have ever heard in my entire fucking life. "Yeah... I'm like WAY ahead of the game. I've already got a planner and everything. It's so cool. My cousin sent it to me, see? It's from the New York Public Library. It's so awesome. And, like I said, I'm way ahead of the game. I bet no one else has a planner yet."
NO ONE ELSE HAS A PLANNER YET? Are you fucking kidding me ? You know what, you're totally right. You are the FIRST PERSON in the history of the entire fucking world to have a planner. God, you are a GENIUS and a TRENDSETTER. Why are you at community college? You should be in Harvard or Yale or MIT or something like that. GOD, you are SO smart. SO awesome. I'm honored to just stand in your fucking presence. I don't care that you smell like cat piss, and probably lost your virginity to a Tuba. YOU. ARE.AWESOME.
I've some to find that there are a lot of strange people at this school. In my first class of the day, this girl comes and sits in front of me. First of all, her haircut was fucking stupid. I wanted to tell her that. Also, she had the clip-in color extensions ( in hot pink and turquoise because she's so punkxcore) which are fucking stupid. Stop being a pussy and just dye your fucking hair. Dumbass. She's wearing a god damned Twilight shirt,which made me want to slap her with a Seabass or some other form of fish. her vagina probably would of worked, since she most likely puts out for any guy that looks like Edward Cullen or claims to drink blood. She had rings on every single finger of her skanky little hands. One of which, looked like a fucking Chinese finger trap or some shit. I don't even think she could bend her finger in the damn thing. It was more like a metal cast for her finger that had a stupid ass Dragon or something like that engraved on it.
AS I was staring at the back of her head, thinking of all the ways I would like to kill her, someone caught my eye. This guy walks into class......With a GIANT, nasty Mexi-fro. He's wearing the skinniest skinny jeans I have ever seen, and from the looks of it he had to have an inverted penis because I didn't see anything that even remotely resembled a cock bump in those pants. He's wearing a purple bandanna around his neck, like he was a Hollywood Undead member for Halloween, and he just forgot to take it off. He's got like 24 belts on, all of which have some sort of stud or chain hanging from them. He's wearing a shirt from Hot Topic that screams "Im dark and different, even though I bought this fucking shirt at Hot Topic along with 80,000 other people) His hoodie has some stupid ass nu-metal band on it, and it looks like he paid someone to shit on it so it would look 'cool'. THEN I look at his face. His stupid fucking face. Homeboy has one regular shit-colored eye, like every Brownie in the world. And then.... he has a white, cat- eyes contact in the other.
I have never wanted to shove a pineapple up someones ass so much in my entire life. I'm going to try and get a picture of this kid so I can show you guys. Maybe I'll tell him I'm a talent scout for the Hot Topic Modeling company and we'd really like someone as edgy as him to model our Fall 2011 collection.
After I eye fucked this guy to death and then decided he was an idiot, I remembered the Twilight whore in front of me. I looked at her, and she was looking at him. Actually, she was undressing him and sucking his invisible cock with her eyes. I didn't think that it was ever possible to SEE someone fall in love, but today, I did. I could almost hear her cream her Invader Zim panties. In all honesty, I kind of want to hook them up. I am slightly tempted to help them both out. The world is full of some freaky ass people, and I feel like they need to stick to breeding within their selective groups. We don't need them mating with normal folks and messing up our gene pools.
Later, the teacher asked us if we considered Tattooing and art. I said that I did. She asked if I had any tattoos, and I told her that , yes, I have seven. Twilight Whore's head whipped around so fast I thought she was re-inacting the scene from The Exorcist. She was like "Oh my god! that's so cool ! I want to get a ( I can't remember exactly what she said, so I'll just quote her as saying 'retarded') 'retarded' tattoo on my back. I think it was probably something along the lines of gothic angel wings, which would make sense, seeing that I remember it being something retarded.
I'm all for individuality. I'm all about expressing yourself. But, when people are trying so hard to be 'different' that they look like every other stupid mother fucker out there, shit gets on my nerves. This girl probably has so many punches in her Hot Topic frequent shoppers card that she could buy the whole fucking store and pay $.32.... I don't know her, but I can already tell you this- I fucking hate her.
Sorry about this rant, but I had to tell someone.
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