To whom it may concern:

Dear Douchebag,
I like how you say you're not  ready for a relationship, but you would like to stay friends. Why is that funny? Because friends don't just talk when they are drunk and horny. You're supposed to be a nice guy, and I think that nice guy is still in there somewhere, but right now - you are thinking with your dick. Stop being an asshole, because to be perfectly honest, you're not hot enough to pull it off. And you're dingus isn't big enough for me to tolerate it. Personality only goes so far, buddy.

Thanks so fucking much.

Phyllis