Stupid Fucking People

You're so gay that everyone fucking hates you.

Valetine's Day... Makes Me Wanna Kill Myself

So, the only consistent Valentine I've ever had in my whole life was my mother. Every morning on V-day, I'd wake up to a little basket of goodies from my mom. I always looked forward too it, and it always made my  day. As the time grew closer for me to spread my legs and fly into the world on my own, I started to get really anxious. Moving away would  mean no guaranteed Valentine. Even if it was my mother, it was still nice. What was I going to do when I was on my own? I wouldn't be  able to wake up to presents and chocolate and  the reminder that I was single, for another year. Honestly, I was more anxious about this than the fact that I would now have to get my own toilet paper BEFORE shitting, because no one would be there to bring me some. 

I ended up meeting someone right  before Valentines day that first year on my own. He did the cutest fucking thing anyone  has ever done for me, and I bought lingerie for me to wear as his present. As it turns out, I was so tired from taking Defensive Driving all day, that we didn't even bone down on my first 'real' Valentine's day. Something I will always regret. No worries though, the next year we totally bumped uglies after he made a giant mess cooking me a badass dinner. 

Anyways, this year, I am single again on Valentine's day. I woke up this morning to a gift of dog shit from Rose. The sentiment was cute, I suppose, but nothing compares to chocolate, flowers and  sex. 

Normally I think I would be pretty upset about the fact that I don't have anyone to share this day with. But, this year, to be perfectly honest, I'm just happy I'm not sharing  this day with a complete fucking psycho. Which, considering my pattern of dating, would have probably been the result had I of had a Valentine this year. 

So, instead of wallowing in single misery, my  friends and I are having "Single Ladies Pizza and Beer Night". I have put together gifts for everyone, and I plan on leaving my little-old-lady neighbor a cute ass Hello Kitty Valentine on her door. She lives alone, and I never see any geriatric casanova's leaving her apartment, so I am assuming she doesn't have anyone to watch Antique Road Show and drink Ensure with tonight. 

But, the message of today is the following : If you're lucky enough to have someone on Valentine's Day, don't bitch if they don't get you anything super cool. Now, if they choose not acknowledge the day all together, I give you full permission to bug out. But, like I said, if they do something, anything, just  be appreciative that they actually did  anything at all, because they  could be like  my father and not  get you a damn thing. or show up with a trash-can  and  call it a present. True story. 

If you are like me, and you are miserable  and alone on this stupid fucking day, remember the following; None of us will end up with un-planned, life ruining Valentine's Day babies tonight. None of us will have to get pissed if this day isn't acknowledged at all. None of us will have to shave our legs, vaginas, underarms or buttholes. None of us will have to wear really uncomfortable lingerie and then  get all sweaty and gross while having sex. There is an upside to being single on this day that is made to remind you that you are alone in this miserable fucking world. 

Also, if you are single, it doesn't mean you have to sit at home, stuffing your face with Ben and Jerrys while crying over Lifetime movies. Get YOURSELF some flowers, go out with the other single girls and get wasted, go buy YOURSELF a new vibrator, because we all know you can probably  have a much more pleasurable night with you B.O.B than an actual man. And don't forget that while it sucks to be alone on Valentine's day- it's not permanent. One day we will all have Valetines. And one day we will all be getting some dick (or Vagina, because Lesbians celebrate this day, too) on this day. Keep the mother fucking faith, ladies. And go buy a new vibrator, you've earned it.

Oh...No.

 I fear this is my destiny.

I fail to see how this goes unnoticed...or accepted. If this were my kid, I would attack her face with some Nair quicker than you can say bulldyke.

Textbooks freak me out sometimes

Something about the selected wording for the above definition.... just....doesn't sit right with me. 

Thanks, Pearson.

Wedding Win

I feel so sorry for the unlucky sonovabitch that asks me to marry him. Because, this is definitely going to be our cake-topper. 

Bathroom Conversations

 

Let's talk about common bathroom etiquette. Actually, fuck etiquette, let's talk about what's awkward and whats not. 

Just a little back story on today's post: I absolutely HATE it when people talk to me while I am using the restroom. I will sit on the pot, laptop in hand, taking a giant shit all I want. But, if I am meditating on the porcelain throne, don't talk to my ass. Also, I just recently became okay with pooping in  public. I literally couldn't handle it until I was almost 19 years old. I wouldn't poop anywhere but my own house, or a house that I had already gotten the nerve to christen with  my  ass bombs. I remember being younger and  spending holidays with my Dad. I wasn't comfortable at his house, since I didn't live there, and I couldn't poop without almost having an anxiety attack. I would hold it until I took a shower, and then turn the shower on, pretend to be washing myself, and then commence to unload an unholy army of terds into the toilet bowl. My mom and I have actually gotten into arguments about my past phobia about public pooping. It was very hard for me to overcome. But, after a very close call, in which I almost shit my fucking pants at Wal-Mart, I realized I had to overcome my fear. I am now able to poop just about anywhere. It doesn't really  bother me anymore. However, I still don't like pooping in a multi-stall bathroom (such as the ones at school). Couple that with my hatred for urination-conversing, and you will understand why I am posting the following. 

Today, I was at school. Sitting in the Library, minding my own business. I had popped a Vyvanse about an hour earlier, so I was cracked out and ready to learn about some fucking Indians. Then, I felt it. The very uncomfortable pressure that builds up on your butthole when you need to drop the kids off at the pool. I knew what I had to do, so I made my way to the restroom, which I figured would be vacant considering the early time of my school arrival. No such luck. There was only one other person in the bathroom, so I went to the stall that was the farthest away from her, and started to release my food baby. 

What's more humiliating, for me anyways, than a stinky poop, is a loud one. I would rather release a toxic shit bomb into the air than let anyone I don't know hear me fart.  It doesn't bother me so much if the bathroom is crowded, but like I said, there was only one other person in there, rendering the bathroom as silent as a mime funeral. So, of course, my poop was extremely loud. It was a foamy one, so you could hear the squirts, plops and gas that sneaks out in between terds. I did a couple of courtesy flushes,a few cliche poop-covering coughs, and the essential shit sniffle. Incase you are confused be the term 'shit sniffle', everyone does it. When you're dropping a deauce, you automatically become allergic to air, and start sniffling like you have SARS. 

This is where things get worse.. Uncomfotable...and Gross. 

(Reader discretion is advised for the following) 

I go to clean up my business (asshole) and then decide I should probably check the good old vag, since my period was expected. Incase you are wondering, yes, I used different toilet paper to wipe my poopoo butt and my vaginer. Anyways, when I inspected the vag wipe, I was confronted by the monsoon of womanhood that was spilling out of my vagina. I haven't had a period in about 3 months. Im not pregnant, so don't call CPS just yet. I don't know what the fuck is going on with me peeper, but I was very late. SSOO, I'm sitting there, rummaging through my purse looking for a tampon. It's obvious that I have taken a shit. It smells like garlic and sin in the bathroom. And then... I hear her stupid ass voice.

"You're not feeling well either?" 

I knew it was only the two of us in the bathroom, so I knew she was talking to me.

I shot a hateful glance at her through the bathroom stall. I don't think she saw it, but I hope she felt the hate radiated towards her. I chose to ignore her, and she soon left to go make friends in the free STD clinic on campus, I assume.

So here's my bitch of the day: If you KNOW I am taking a shit, and you can hear the tampon wrapper crinkling in my hand, what on EARTH makes you think I want to have a mother fucking conversation with your ass ? And No, I'm not fucking feeling well. I just gave birth to satan's spawn out of my ass, and now the bloody Nile river is coming out of my vagina. What the fuck sounds "Well" about that, bitch? For fucksake. Are you really that weird that you feel the need to make friends in a public bathroom? A friendship bonded by mutual gastrointestinal upset, is NOT NORMAL. Get the FUCK out of this bathroom right now before I come out there and wipe my asshole with your fucking scarf. Stupid shitcream.

So people, just a word of advice, if you're in a public bathroom, please do the world a favor. Don't fucking talk to strangers while they're trying to take care of business. It's a fucking bathroom, not a god damned social club. You fucking retard. I'm not at community college to make friends. Im there to get a mediocre education that will grant me access to a mediocre college so I can get a mediocre job and live a mediocre life. This isn't fucking Harvard, okay? Back the FUCK up.

Fuck you.

 A list of 'Fuck You's' that are long overdue :

• Fuck you for lying to me. 
• Fuck you for even thinking about cheating on me. 
• Fuck you for crop dusting me today. (You know who you are, azn cootie)
• Fuck you for only thinking about yourself 
• Fuck you for choosing her over me 
• Fuck you for not being there 
• Fuck you for not wanting to be in my life 
• Fuck you for missing my choir recital 
• Fuck you for missing 'Donuts with Dads' 
• Fuck you for telling me I was overweight. I already knew it. All I needed was a little love and acceptance from you. 
• Fuck you for not buying me that pink car I wanted. 
• Fuck you for not letting me drink your beer that one night. 
• Fuck you for hitting me. 
• Fuck you for telling me I was a piece of shit. 
• Fuck you for being an asshole 
• Fuck you for using me 
• Fuck you, for fucking me. You shouldn't have done it. I was way too fucked up and you know it. Asshole. And you were a terrible lay. 
• Fuck you for hacking my facebook. 
• Fuck you for not coming to my birthday party. 
• Fuck you for missing my graduation. 
• Fucking you for only ever thinking of yourself.
• Fuck you for breaking my heart. 
• Fuck you for acting like you don't care. 
• Fuck you for not telling me the truth. 
• Fuck you for never telling me important things and letting me find out from other people. 
• Fuck your for being so stupid and making everyone stress out over your stupid ass mistakes. You ruined your own life, and then  got mad when no one else wanted to clean up your mess. Dumbass. 
• Fuck you for not paying attention. 
• Fuck you for always looking the other way. 
• Fuck you for never spending time with me. 
• Fuck you for not calling. 
• Fuck you for trying to ruin a friendship. 
• Fuck your for being such a douchebag. 
• Fuck you for always playing your music so loud, being a passive aggressive assfuck, letting your dog piss everywhere, never opening the doggy door for my dog, sending me bitchy texts when she peed on the floor  because she was LOCKED INSIDE ( this would of been totally avoidable if you would have just opened the FUCKING doggy door)
• Fuck you for running to your mommy 
• Fuck you for wearing no shirt. Ever. 
• Fuck you for locking the poolsticks in your room when you left for the weekend. 
• Fuck you for throwing my clean laundry on the floor, causing it to collect dog hair and  become dirty once again. 
• Fuck you for telling her what I said. 
• Fuck you for being so immature. 
• Fuck you for being such a bitch. 
• Fuck you for cheating on one of my best friends. 
• Fuck you for giving my friend an STD. 
• Fuck you for not paying Child support .
• Fuck you for blowing me off. 
• Fuck you for NEVER paying for ANTYHING
• Fuck you for being a mooch 
• Fuck you for thinking you're always right 
• Fuck your for talking shit about me 

That is all. 

Craiglist

So, while wasting time on the "Barter" section of Craigslist today, I found this little gem.

Uhm, yes I have some offers for you. I will trade you that AWESOME Baby Bash poster (I've been looking for one EVERYWHERE) for help writing your sitcom pilot. I even have an idea for the show. Picture this :  Weird fucking guy with a bunch of useless shit wanting a bunch of expensive shit posts ad on Craigslist and gets made fun of on some bitches blog. Great idea, right ? We can even  record ourselves reading the script  and put the tapes in all of those empty cassette cases you have ! Oh, and I need some advice but I don't want to pay $10 for "Great" advice. Can I get "Good" advice for $5? Thanks.

Putting a face to the name

Phyllis 2011

Bitches ain't shit

This is fucking epic.

The Black Eyed Peas

I rest my case. 

Anatomy Lesson

You learn something new everyday.