Bathroom Conversations

 

Let's talk about common bathroom etiquette. Actually, fuck etiquette, let's talk about what's awkward and whats not. 

Just a little back story on today's post: I absolutely HATE it when people talk to me while I am using the restroom. I will sit on the pot, laptop in hand, taking a giant shit all I want. But, if I am meditating on the porcelain throne, don't talk to my ass. Also, I just recently became okay with pooping in  public. I literally couldn't handle it until I was almost 19 years old. I wouldn't poop anywhere but my own house, or a house that I had already gotten the nerve to christen with  my  ass bombs. I remember being younger and  spending holidays with my Dad. I wasn't comfortable at his house, since I didn't live there, and I couldn't poop without almost having an anxiety attack. I would hold it until I took a shower, and then turn the shower on, pretend to be washing myself, and then commence to unload an unholy army of terds into the toilet bowl. My mom and I have actually gotten into arguments about my past phobia about public pooping. It was very hard for me to overcome. But, after a very close call, in which I almost shit my fucking pants at Wal-Mart, I realized I had to overcome my fear. I am now able to poop just about anywhere. It doesn't really  bother me anymore. However, I still don't like pooping in a multi-stall bathroom (such as the ones at school). Couple that with my hatred for urination-conversing, and you will understand why I am posting the following. 

Today, I was at school. Sitting in the Library, minding my own business. I had popped a Vyvanse about an hour earlier, so I was cracked out and ready to learn about some fucking Indians. Then, I felt it. The very uncomfortable pressure that builds up on your butthole when you need to drop the kids off at the pool. I knew what I had to do, so I made my way to the restroom, which I figured would be vacant considering the early time of my school arrival. No such luck. There was only one other person in the bathroom, so I went to the stall that was the farthest away from her, and started to release my food baby. 

What's more humiliating, for me anyways, than a stinky poop, is a loud one. I would rather release a toxic shit bomb into the air than let anyone I don't know hear me fart.  It doesn't bother me so much if the bathroom is crowded, but like I said, there was only one other person in there, rendering the bathroom as silent as a mime funeral. So, of course, my poop was extremely loud. It was a foamy one, so you could hear the squirts, plops and gas that sneaks out in between terds. I did a couple of courtesy flushes,a few cliche poop-covering coughs, and the essential shit sniffle. Incase you are confused be the term 'shit sniffle', everyone does it. When you're dropping a deauce, you automatically become allergic to air, and start sniffling like you have SARS. 

This is where things get worse.. Uncomfotable...and Gross. 

(Reader discretion is advised for the following) 

I go to clean up my business (asshole) and then decide I should probably check the good old vag, since my period was expected. Incase you are wondering, yes, I used different toilet paper to wipe my poopoo butt and my vaginer. Anyways, when I inspected the vag wipe, I was confronted by the monsoon of womanhood that was spilling out of my vagina. I haven't had a period in about 3 months. Im not pregnant, so don't call CPS just yet. I don't know what the fuck is going on with me peeper, but I was very late. SSOO, I'm sitting there, rummaging through my purse looking for a tampon. It's obvious that I have taken a shit. It smells like garlic and sin in the bathroom. And then... I hear her stupid ass voice.

"You're not feeling well either?" 

I knew it was only the two of us in the bathroom, so I knew she was talking to me.

I shot a hateful glance at her through the bathroom stall. I don't think she saw it, but I hope she felt the hate radiated towards her. I chose to ignore her, and she soon left to go make friends in the free STD clinic on campus, I assume.

So here's my bitch of the day: If you KNOW I am taking a shit, and you can hear the tampon wrapper crinkling in my hand, what on EARTH makes you think I want to have a mother fucking conversation with your ass ? And No, I'm not fucking feeling well. I just gave birth to satan's spawn out of my ass, and now the bloody Nile river is coming out of my vagina. What the fuck sounds "Well" about that, bitch? For fucksake. Are you really that weird that you feel the need to make friends in a public bathroom? A friendship bonded by mutual gastrointestinal upset, is NOT NORMAL. Get the FUCK out of this bathroom right now before I come out there and wipe my asshole with your fucking scarf. Stupid shitcream.

So people, just a word of advice, if you're in a public bathroom, please do the world a favor. Don't fucking talk to strangers while they're trying to take care of business. It's a fucking bathroom, not a god damned social club. You fucking retard. I'm not at community college to make friends. Im there to get a mediocre education that will grant me access to a mediocre college so I can get a mediocre job and live a mediocre life. This isn't fucking Harvard, okay? Back the FUCK up.