So, the only consistent Valentine I've ever had in my whole life was my mother. Every morning on V-day, I'd wake up to a little basket of goodies from my mom. I always looked forward too it, and it always made my day. As the time grew closer for me to spread my legs and fly into the world on my own, I started to get really anxious. Moving away would mean no guaranteed Valentine. Even if it was my mother, it was still nice. What was I going to do when I was on my own? I wouldn't be able to wake up to presents and chocolate and the reminder that I was single, for another year. Honestly, I was more anxious about this than the fact that I would now have to get my own toilet paper BEFORE shitting, because no one would be there to bring me some.
I ended up meeting someone right before Valentines day that first year on my own. He did the cutest fucking thing anyone has ever done for me, and I bought lingerie for me to wear as his present. As it turns out, I was so tired from taking Defensive Driving all day, that we didn't even bone down on my first 'real' Valentine's day. Something I will always regret. No worries though, the next year we totally bumped uglies after he made a giant mess cooking me a badass dinner.
Anyways, this year, I am single again on Valentine's day. I woke up this morning to a gift of dog shit from Rose. The sentiment was cute, I suppose, but nothing compares to chocolate, flowers and sex.
Normally I think I would be pretty upset about the fact that I don't have anyone to share this day with. But, this year, to be perfectly honest, I'm just happy I'm not sharing this day with a complete fucking psycho. Which, considering my pattern of dating, would have probably been the result had I of had a Valentine this year.
So, instead of wallowing in single misery, my friends and I are having "Single Ladies Pizza and Beer Night". I have put together gifts for everyone, and I plan on leaving my little-old-lady neighbor a cute ass Hello Kitty Valentine on her door. She lives alone, and I never see any geriatric casanova's leaving her apartment, so I am assuming she doesn't have anyone to watch Antique Road Show and drink Ensure with tonight.
But, the message of today is the following : If you're lucky enough to have someone on Valentine's Day, don't bitch if they don't get you anything super cool. Now, if they choose not acknowledge the day all together, I give you full permission to bug out. But, like I said, if they do something, anything, just be appreciative that they actually did anything at all, because they could be like my father and not get you a damn thing. or show up with a trash-can and call it a present. True story.
If you are like me, and you are miserable and alone on this stupid fucking day, remember the following; None of us will end up with un-planned, life ruining Valentine's Day babies tonight. None of us will have to get pissed if this day isn't acknowledged at all. None of us will have to shave our legs, vaginas, underarms or buttholes. None of us will have to wear really uncomfortable lingerie and then get all sweaty and gross while having sex. There is an upside to being single on this day that is made to remind you that you are alone in this miserable fucking world.
Also, if you are single, it doesn't mean you have to sit at home, stuffing your face with Ben and Jerrys while crying over Lifetime movies. Get YOURSELF some flowers, go out with the other single girls and get wasted, go buy YOURSELF a new vibrator, because we all know you can probably have a much more pleasurable night with you B.O.B than an actual man. And don't forget that while it sucks to be alone on Valentine's day- it's not permanent. One day we will all have Valetines. And one day we will all be getting some dick (or Vagina, because Lesbians celebrate this day, too) on this day. Keep the mother fucking faith, ladies. And go buy a new vibrator, you've earned it.
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